thwarted.

Sometimes, you never know why you feel weak, and why you keep covering up a problem through an area of certain expertise. God challenges people when they invite him into their lives completely. In order to shape you, he thwarts a weakness that you have, and there’s no way of getting out of it. You feel like you lost something, and to the best of your ability you start covering it up, but as soon as you try, it resurfaces and claims victory over you like Mohammed Ali in a boxing match.

I cried many times in the past month and a half… but not like this. I was so unhappy with my music and I beat myself up so bad that I had no energy to solve my problem, and I didn’t know why I wasn’t playing anything right… until I met this teacher in New York City. After I played through a gruesome piece in a lesson, he takes a look at me and says:

“You’re unhappy. Why.”

“Because it was terrible. I worked so hard and this is my outcome. Nothing went my way.”

“You know, Jane… you have all the discipline that a violinist needs. Your technique is all there. Your personal expression, and the joy of music and creativity on the other hand is what’s missing in your heart. Have you forgotten how incredible music is? Artistic deviation is needed for you. If things don’t go your way in technique and that makes you upset, you’ve already lost the music.”

I stood in silence.

He then asked, “How does this make you feel?”

After that question, tears streamed down my cheeks.

“Now, are those tears of joy? Or fear of a daunting task that must be fulfilled?”

“……..”

“Well?…”

“… I’m not scared. I’m relieved.”

“Ah yes… you know, students need to cry more in lessons.”

I pray that I will never forget my joy in God’s beauty, only to make life sweeter, everyday.